Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Realize this:
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi