Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s