*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You Might Also Like
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Seas the day!!!!
Children of the corn 🌽
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down