The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.