Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You Might Also Like
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
😆this is so true
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.