Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
That earthquake could have been an email.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.