Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
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I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
oh shit
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?