People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point