Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9