Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Sex so good you see dead people.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night