People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
You Might Also Like
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
When he asks for feet pics
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!