It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
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Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked