me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.