If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”![]()
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
seems like a niche market
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper