Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
is nasa ok
Finally, a door that understands me
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
incredible book dedication
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.