God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Does beer think about me too?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.