ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
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Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.