You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.