when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I told my vodka about you.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”