[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
is this a warning or an offer?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!