Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me sliding into hell like
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.