Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken