Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
God: you run really fast.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: God? why?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
me: did I pass?
driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cells divide again*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Cashier: hi there
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Wife. you have my husband.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback