I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.