Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.