I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look