Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.