I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me driving through Toronto
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.