I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
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My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home