I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas