Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
drew a comic about my origin story
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen