My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I need better friends
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people