Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
meanwhile over on facebook
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.