meanwhile over on facebook
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
We’ve all been there
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
giddy up Office Depot
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic