ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
You Might Also Like
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
kevin is now a local weatherman
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
This dude got his own movie?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.