5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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These are my roll models.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??