These are my roll models.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
At least my masseuse has my back.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed