– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.