– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*