The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
crochet youtube is brutal
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.