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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling