Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
2 years later
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host