Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“what that mouth do?” complain
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.