If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah