WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Received some very disappointing news today
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The internet is magic sometimes.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House