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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.