My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.