My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Breakfast for Stoners:
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.