I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Cha-ching is my safe word
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy