my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
sounds kinky. i’m in.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My Indian name is dances without coordination.