ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
You Might Also Like
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.