I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?