If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Stop being racist to kettles.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand