Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”