Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My new favorite headline
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom